I AM Worthy
Before today, my last therapy session was on November 15, 2019. In that session, my therapist was giving me great praise for all the growth and progress I was having with the work we have been doing. It was hard for me to receive that praise...she could tell just based off of my body language. I definitely have difficulty receiving...receiving praise, love, affection, help, etc. Despite all the progress I have been making, she noticed I was down. My birthday was in 15 days and I had no idea what I wanted to do or how I wanted to celebrate. She kept challenging me to figure it out...then she started to talk to me about Seasonal Affective Disorder because it has been something I've battled with before.
Coming from Mayoclinic.org, Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is a type of depression that's related to changes in seasons — SAD begins and ends at about the same times every year. If you're like most people with SAD, your symptoms start in the fall and continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody. Less often, SAD causes depression in the spring or early summer.
In most cases, seasonal affective disorder symptoms appear during late fall or early winter and go away during the sunnier days of spring and summer. Less commonly, people with the opposite pattern have symptoms that begin in spring or summer. In either case, symptoms may start out mild and become more severe as the season progresses.
Signs and symptoms of SAD may include:
Feeling depressed most of the day, nearly every day
Losing interest in activities you once enjoyed
Having low energy
Having problems with sleeping
Experiencing changes in your appetite or weight
Feeling sluggish or agitated
Having difficulty concentrating
Feeling hopeless, worthless or guilty
Having frequent thoughts of death or suicide
Oversleeping
Appetite changes, especially a craving for foods high in carbohydrates
Weight gain
Tiredness or low energy
Fast forward to today's session and I revealed to her, since we last met how much of a "Dark" place I have been in. I felt extremely insecure, anxious, and unworthy. It took until the end of the session for me to describe it as such and that was only after she used that word, "Dark". I admitted to her that I didn't even want to speak that word because of the embarrassment and shame I felt with it. I acknowledge that I felt as though I regressed after all of the progress I have made over the years. I shared with her that the last time I felt I was in this "Dark" place was in 2015 before I started seeing her and I was in such a "Dark" place that decided to get on medication for depression and anxiety.
I know this "Dark" place I have been in was due to Seasonal Affective Disorder. It made me disconnected from myself, disconnected from my worth, disconnected from all things I have done to get me to the place of continuous progression. I have been super hard on myself and my therapist had to remind me that I AM only human. She pointed out the shame I carry and how it prevents me from seeing myself of being worthy of good.
I left the session with homework and an eagerness to continue the work that has building my Self-Worth. I AM Worthy...I know I AM Stronger than I tell myself. I have been here before and I will release this energy of unworthiness because I AM Worthy of giving myself better.