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I AM at Peace

I have this piece sitting on my coffee table and I often look at it. It reminds me how far I have come and in times of anxiety and worry it reminds to find peace in the moment.

Back in 2009, without knowing, I experienced my first anxiety/panic attack. At the time I thought I was having a heart attack and found myself in the emergency room. After numerous tests everything came back normal. I was told I was "the healthiest person to come in all day." I left the emergency room confused because I knew what I felt physically wasn't normal. As time went by I tried to put that moment out of my mind, but I never let go of it and would always wonder if and when I would have this feeling again. Well it happened again, and again, and again, and get the point. I found myself in the emergency room 4 more times with the same feelings physically. Each time walking out, "the healthiest person to come in all day" I just couldn't understand what the hell was going on with me. I was being told I was fine, but I physically had random moments of my heart racing and pounding, dizziness, uncontrollable fear, etc.

I didn't find out I was experiencing anxiety/panic attacks until that 5th emergency room visit and the doctor told me. I even remember the nurse saying to me, "relax, life is too short." At the moment I was filled with several emotions.......anger, embarrassment, confusion, etc. In my mind I'm thinking, "what the hell am I doing laying in this hospital bed again?" You would've thought this was my wake up moment.......AH NO!

I was so afraid of the next time I would have another anxiety/panic attack, that I pretty much had them on a consistent basis. I would have them when I was alone, in the club, on the basketball court, in the gym......everywhere! This went on for almost 4 years, it became part of the normal function of my body. It replaced biting my fingernails, shaking my leg, or biting my lip.

Throughout that time, the select few that I knew would tell me to "relax," "life is too short," "stop worrying," blah, blah, blah. That didn't mean nothing to me because I knew what I was going through was serious. Granted, a lot of what was being said to me was encouraging, but some of it was judgemental and it made me feel even more messed up in the situation.

I had to come out of that imaginary cave I was in. Everything that was being said to me by others was correct. They were trying to pull me out, but I had to be the one to choose to come out. I had to find strength and in finding that strength, I found PEACE. I found peace in knowing that after every one of those emergency room visits that nothing was wrong with me., it was all in my head. I found and find peace in saying affirmations. Affirming that I am not a victim to anxiety, panic, and worry. I found peace in daily meditation, what the piece on my coffee table represents.....finding peace within in. I have become calmer, positive, optimistic, and stronger. So when I face moments of anxiety or worry, I affirm that I AM at Peace and believe it.


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