I AM INTENTIONAL
I felt as though upon coming into a new year that I needed to take another step in my healing journey. That step is to be more intentional, the thought of even taking another step was meant to be intentional. Dealing with depression and anxiety in the past created a lot of habits that were not me being intentional. Those habits were out of fear...fear of abandonment, rejection, failure, and even success. The routine of my life became full of self-sabotaging habits.
Granted, when I decided to go to therapy and even take medication in the past, there was some intention behind those decisions. The only problem with some or maybe all of those decisions was that I wasn't totally doing them for myself. I was focused on trying to change myself for others...to receive love from others...acceptance, affection, etc. There was a panic, desperation, and even anxiety behind those decisions...not intention.
While I started the journey of healing, I also started changing my habits and I definitely saw a change in me, but I wasn't always fulfilled. The routine in the new self-love habits felt too familiar to my old self-sabotaging habits. It took me awhile to figure out why, but I noticed both eventually had me on auto-pilot to the point where I was disconnected from the process which disconnected me from any progress. I had no intention behind the things I was doing, just existing each day repeating the same things, the same way.
I became drained with the auto-pilot routines I found myself in on both sides of my journey. My energy was depleted because it was all over the place and with no intention I couldn't be present. It was easy for me to fall back into those self-sabotaging habits because I wasn't always aware of my intentions in my healing journey.
"Why am I praying? Why am I saying affirmations? Why am I reading this book? Why am I setting boundaries? Why do I have this person in my life? Why am I communicating this?...OR NOT???"
Why am I doing any of this or not doing it? I was always consumed with other peoples feelings before mines. My intentions over other peoples intentions or the fear of their intentions was absent. Not fully loving myself because I wasn't intentional with my life.
I have noticed that focusing on being intentional makes my healing a top priority. It has allowed me to create boundaries for myself and other people. I am able to slow down and focus on one thing at a time and be present with it. Being intentional allows me to not run away from past traumas, I can now confront them and not relive them by hoping they'll never happen again.
I'd be lying if I didn't say that being intentional is not scary because it is...it's forcing me to do and say things I have held on to, felt, and needed to release for years...but never have because of my fears of rejection and abandonment and putting others before myself became the priority.
Despite my fears, what's been the constant motivation behind me starting this new journey and continuing it, is because I know for years not being intentional has kept me from my full potential. It's a divine message given to me by God...I AM REACHING MY FULL POTENTIAL BY BEING INTENTIONAL.