I AM Unlonely
I used to wear always being alone as a badge of honor...I felt it made me strong. That's all I knew...from the time I was a little boy, all the way up to now. Sure, I had help along the way...I also had friends and relationships, but I felt alone even then. I was conditioned to be alone...as a kid, my parents weren't always around. As long as I wasn't getting in trouble or getting caught lol, my parents didn't seem to be engaged in what I was doing...from school, sports, girls, etc. I never felt a belonging to my family...now that I AM older, I see that I was more maintained as a child. I had food, clothes, and other material necessities, but I didn't have the expressions of love, affection, etc. I was the child that needed the emotional availability of his parents.
Of course, these things attached themselves to me and they grew along with me due to the environment never changing. I didn't start feeling lonely until my family and I moved to a new neighborhood and I was starting high school. All my old friends from my old neighborhood were gone and I discovered the loneliness that they shielded in my household. No surprise that the start of my depression was linked back to this time period.
Fast forward a little....to save you some time and because I already told these stories to my past therapist lol. Being alone and experiencing loneliness from time to time still are part of my life. Both of them have come back up for me the past few weeks...I'm sure Mercury retrograde has a lot to do with it, along with the 5 other planets in retrograde. Anyway, the past couple of years while in therapy, the healing I have gone through has led me to needing and wanting something other than being alone. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my company and I don't like compromising it when I have moments of loneliness.
I've learned that feeling lonely can be a deeper desire for love and all the emotional security I didn't get as a child. Before therapy, sure I compromised myself to get attention, affection, and what I thought was love. Moments of desperation...for people's attention, to hang out, people pleasing, emotional & mental abuse from others and even myself...all just to feel love...to feel emotionally secure.
Without going into detail, that was majority of my life before I started going to therapy and understood what I was doing to myself. That little boy was still trying to find what he was missing...10 years in my healing journey of 30 years of a life I didn't get. I often joke with myself and say, "I can't believe you made this agreement with God to come down here and go through this..." LOL
Obviously, as an adult I play a role in being alone. Because of my childhood, I learned to be on guard from abandonment and rejection. I have a hard time trusting people's motive because I have experienced some of my childhood trauma in other relationships as an adult...romantic and platonic. I have never had a problem making friends or finding a woman to date, but I've come to see people as being fickle and relationships being transactional. Being facts and/or my perception of things...a lot of the people I have interacted with always wanted something from me in order for me to get what I desired, which is love and emotional security...propelling me to give too much and put myself in a constant chase.
I questioned my worth and value religiously for years...part of the abuse I mentioned earlier. But I can't afford to freely give myself and all the great things I have to offer to people who aren't interested in reciprocating anymore. These past couple of weeks have been torture with these feelings coming up...I had to remind myself that healing isn't linear...sometimes you will have to revisit experiences and feelings you thought you left behind. Life is a serious of ups and downs, but it's how you respond that matters and either produces growth or stagnation.