I AM a Black Man Pt.2
If you haven't read, I AM a Black Man Pt.1, I encourage you to for a little context. For those of you that have, I thank you!
Part 1 I was speaking to the Black Man, I know the Black Man......I was speaking to my younger self, a Black Man. Being inspired by Nipsey Hussle's killing took me back to when I was younger and also where I AM at now in my life. If you remember in part 1 I spoke a lot about anger...….anger the Black Man has for another Black man as well as himself, being a Black Man. That was definitely me years ago.
Back in my early 20s, I was severely depressed. I didn't know myself, like myself, or love myself. I was in college with a definite identity crisis......I pretty much hated myself and my life. I was envious of other Black men......what they had, their confidence, their drive.....damn! I was really in a bad place back then with no direction. Just writing it now I'm literally reliving the moments.
Outside of school in my social life, I say it was even worst. I say that because I was putting my life in danger. No alcohol, no drugs.....but rage and anger towards myself and other Black Men. It seemed at every moment that I walked out the house...….I was getting into or starting a fight with another Black Man. Literally and figuratively fighting myself. I was so angry that I was always on defense and attack mode. I can't even count the number of times I was getting into a fight....popping off at another Black Man.
The picture above symbolizes a lot of how I looked at the world, my life, myself, and other Black Men.
Thinking on it on it now, it was terribly sad and definitely dangerous. I'm 37 now and it's truly a blessing I AM still alive. I can remember my mom telling me at one point that I better hope I don't come across the wrong person with my attitude, but she definitely didn't know the extent of my attitude. Someone older than me told me back then that mothers truly don't fall asleep until their sons make it home. Damn, I'm pretty sure that's what my mom was doing, because she can be a worrier.
I was not only putting myself in danger, but the people I hanged out with. I came across a lot of Black Men wrong for no reason at all. It was my ego, my pride, my machismo, my identity as a Black Man having to be "HARD." I'm sitting hear now grateful for being alive....cuz I could've been Nipsey or the guy who killed him. In a sense I AM both of them.....what once was and the evolution.
I evolved from that anger, that jealousy, and envy. I have healed......I want to say I was in a better place to heal than maybe others, but I'm not sure. Maybe I was one of the blessed ones. I could still be out in the streets with my anger and popping off or I could be dead after crossing the wrong person. All I know is that I'm extremely grateful that I was in a place where I knew I was worth more. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I AM Healing. I AM Finding my Peace. I AM Finding Myself. I AM Evolving. I AM a Black Man!
Peace and Blessings