I AM ALL I NEED
I was recently asked what my fears are...I took a breathe and said, "being abandoned and rejected." I was surprised by my answer because I don't believe I have ever told anyone, not even my therapist. Maybe I was surprised because I actually wasn't afraid to say it or the fact I finally admitted it to myself. The vibrations from speaking the words definitely left me with a sigh of relief. It was if I was letting a part of myself go...maybe better said, the fear I held on to for so long. The fear of not being good enough...good enough to survive on my own.
At an early age, I felt abandoned and rejected and as I grew older the fear and pain of it intensified. From family, friends, and lovers...any type of relationship throughout my life I had a moment where I felt rejected and abandoned. I even learned to reject and abandoned myself.
Recently, I was faced with the fear as well as the feeling of being rejected and abandoned when I parted ways with my therapist. I had been contemplating cutting ties with my therapist for awhile, but I was concerned that I would be abandoning the things that we were working on, in addition to all of the progress I have made. Feeling that fear of abandoning myself as I have done in the past, I decided to continue working with her, despite the fact I felt that it was time for me to move on to a black male therapist.
With my former therapist, I got in touch with my feelings...how to acknowledge my feelings and express those feelings...we also did a lot of work on how to heal my inner child. As I started to make progress over the 2 years or so I worked with her, I felt I reached a plateau in my progress with and I also wanted more from a therapist in terms of accountability. I felt as though where I AM at in life I need to work on my confidence and discipline as a man and I can only receive that from working with a male therapist. A role I believe that was abandoned in my childhood.
In the midst of me contemplating cutting ties with my former therapist, she decided to cut ties first, which left me blindsided. In the moment she told me and even before she told me when I couldn't make appointments with her, I honestly felt rejected and abandoned. I know you're probably reading this saying, "well you wanted to leave anyway." Yes, I did want to leave, but I have been "left" as I say, by people like this before and when you have become conditioned at an early age to feel rejected and abandoned, you relive every moment over again.
I allowed myself to feel those feelings how I learned in therapy and surprisingly, I was over it in a day. I started repeating the affirmation, I AM ALL I NEED throughout the day and reminded myself of how much I have grown. That one day became a day of flashbacks of when I was rejected and abandoned by friends, girlfriends, and my parents. I relived a lot of moments that were very painful for me. Even times when I rejected and abandoned myself based off of the relationship I had with other people.
I began to feel frustrated with myself because I know I AM enough by myself and I don't need anyone to validate me. I AM ALL I NEED and no one can take that from me, but myself. The fear of rejection and abandonment is in the past. I can stand on my on own, people come and go, but the relationship with myself will last a lifetime.